"Have you ever been staring at a koala bear just hoping you would feel anything?"
"How perfect is your life that that was an issue for you? “What they’re remakin’ it? Well fuck me in the ass! I just wanna find me ONE person in Hollywood! I assume they all just sign off on shit like that!"
"It’s a weird age. They’re like, ‘Amy, I’m pregnant.’ And I still don’t know whether to be like, ‘Congratulations,’ or ‘Do you need a ride?"
Amy Schumer on friends in their late 20s
"By the way, the fact that there are gay people born into Alabama is all the proof you will ever need that homosexuality is not a choice."
Moshe Kasher, Live in Oakland