"Have you ever been staring at a koala bear just hoping you would feel anything?"
Pete Holmes
#Pete Holmes
#Comedy
"How perfect is your life that that was an issue for you? “What they’re remakin’ it? Well fuck me in the ass! I just wanna find me ONE person in Hollywood! I assume they all just sign off on shit like that!"
Rory Scovel
#Rory Scovel
#comedy
"It’s a weird age. They’re like, ‘Amy, I’m pregnant.’ And I still don’t know whether to be like, ‘Congratulations,’ or ‘Do you need a ride?"
Amy Schumer on friends in their late 20s
#Amy Schumer
#comedy
"By the way, the fact that there are gay people born into Alabama is all the proof you will ever need that homosexuality is not a choice."
Moshe Kasher, Live in Oakland
#Moshe Kasher
#Comedy